So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
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