I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
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She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
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He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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