You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
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My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
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He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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