You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
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His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
We left the knife in your bed.
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The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
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