if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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