Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
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What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
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I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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