I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize