dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i want to swaddle you in tequila
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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