im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
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Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
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Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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