why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
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I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
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I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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