I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
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