just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
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he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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