I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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