Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
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