I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
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I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
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I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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