you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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