after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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