somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
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I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
In other news, I just burned my penis
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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