hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
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went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
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