if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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