I love black thongs
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
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Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
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Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
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