Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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