At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
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Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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