hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
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I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
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I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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