I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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