I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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