Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
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