I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
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