i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
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The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
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I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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