Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
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apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
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I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
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