my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
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do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
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Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
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