My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
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Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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