so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
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We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
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The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
There is resin on and IN the refrigerator. Its even on the food. My god, what happens to you?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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