We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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