I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
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the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
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Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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