You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
then he tried to convert me to islam
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
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We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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