We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I never want to see another naked old woman again.
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I looked at my own cervix.
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my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
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whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
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