Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
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I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
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Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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