i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
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He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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