I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize