You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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