Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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