I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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