I wish I could punch you in the face.
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
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It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
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also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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