butt sex is not good for yourself don't do it
Thanks?
I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
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turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
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That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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