you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Randomize