last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
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I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
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She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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