You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
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And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
He? As in you personified your dick?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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