I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I am midnight drunk by noon
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I think it may be easier if I stay drunk/high til the wedding. You game?
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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