ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
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Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
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First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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